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My mother soul to keep


My two wonderful kids will never get the chance to know their grandmother. Personal.As I growing up with four brothers , and two sisters. Being the baby of the family, I have notice a lot while growing up and the things that I have put my parent through. My mother was born September 26,1958 in Puerto Rico with lots of brothers and sisters. While growing up as a young lady in a household where my mother have to do most of the chores in the house and living with strict parents have make her the ways she is as I will explain during this short story of her life. She always tell me stories of her childhood, where she had a fight and rip a girl hair off her head and my dad is her childhood love. Since my parent was small there was always a connection that got my parents see each other even when they lost contact with each other.
        My dad finally got the chance to ask my mom out and make us all during the time. My mother work for department of mental health and hygiene for pest control. A job where it is dangerous going inside abandoned buildings, back yards and you can name it just to clean it out. As time come she have inhaled all these different chemicals , dusts, and etc that it have raise her asthma up, her blood pressure, and it is a scary thing to see.
One day I was at school and they said my name in the loud speaker. To notice my parent came to pick me up in school I was in junior high school at the time, and my parent told me the World Trade Center the planes crash to them. I use to see the World Trade Center from my apartment building window on the third floor in Lafayette garden projects in Brooklyn, New York. My parent hire a babysitter in which it was my best friend mom to watch me while they go to the World Trade Center site to help clean. I didn't want my parent to go because I was scare.    
        As time come and go my parent was fine with their health. When my mom went to the doctor they told my mother that she need a heart transplant because she have a linking vow in her heart that need to be fix. She refuse to do it because she was scare , and then she would keep telling me that she would wake up gasping for air. She would have dreams about her father telling her that it not her time yet.  She always wanted me close by her because she told me that I am her light to her shine. We always been close even though I put my parent through a lot during my teenagers years. Until the year 2012 came everything seem so perfect and right that she went to Puerto Rico to visit her families , we all went to theme parks , family dinner we make all together, she bought all her kids and grandkids gifts for birthdays plus Christmas. Every Christmas we didn't had it the way we had it with 2012 the year of many gifts and a perfect thanksgiving with my whole family. Then the day of thanksgiving my mom and I got sick really bad that she cried in which she a strong woman who hold her pains and hide her tears. 
         I got better but she didn't then on New Years it was a family issue that I see her face sweating, and different. A look that I knew something wasn't right that I call the cops but my parent told me to cancel the call. Then on the day of my brothers birthday my mom went to the hospital because she had a bad pain and they said her diagnosis were unknown. How the hell it is unknown if you are "doctors" , my personal opinion they knew but didn't want to tell her but thanks God I was taken my medical administration assistant courses online that i felt God was sending me signs because everything I read was about organs and diseases. 
      I research about the medical terminology they had on the result , then I ask doctors , and then I told my mom the "ifs" can be. When she went to a specialist they wanted her to come back but it seem like they didn't want to tell her. Then my mom like "carol and Mario (my dad), if I die give carol all of my important things and anything she wants ", and we like " nothing going happen and you not going die". Then all of a sudden the light pop (they use to said when a light pop and it still in the light holder that death is near ) and then I see crows outside that never been around my neighborhood but that day they was circling around (crows can sense death) but that day I believe in superstitious. Then the next day she had me combing her hair and we notice her hair was falling a lot. Then she got yellow (jaundice- liver failing )and I read about it. I notice it in her eyes and skin. 
      I call the doctor for her to make an appointment to find out that was the last appointment spot and she wanted me to go with her but I told her no I can't because I have to finish my midterm, tests, and essays that were due the next day.  Then my dad call me to tell me they keeping her overnight that's when I knew. We went to visit her, she put me as her main contact and the one they contact when they have to give important informations to make decisions making. It's hard to see my mother going through all the pains and I have to make decisions with my dad and aunt for my mom life. We talk to my mom about what she wants if anything and we respect her wishes.       Long story short, we had contact all our families and friends to said they finally goodbyes. It hard to sign the papers to her wishes, seeing each day how death slowly comes and slowly shut down the body. It crazy how we lose balance, how our organs shut down one by one each day, how our body stop sending signs for us to urinate and shitting . It hard for me because I was so close to my mom that I still cry for her. I talk to her the last day when her mind wasn't with us, we would hear her mumbling till she die. She would talk to the dead like seriously she would talk to her dad or sister. My brother told me that before I enter the room she was calling my name and  it freak him out 5minutes later I enter the room like if she send me. Then on March 9,2013 @735am that's when she past away her body felt so hard and cold . It crazy how she love snow and it snow when she was in the hospital, then the day she past the sun came out and shine right in her room. The balloons my aunt let go outside went straight to the church bells, the sun shine on us like she telling us don't worry. The day we buried her it snow, the balloons we all let go went into one direction and the camera shut off.



That day I felt different in a way like I was okay that she past and she didn't want us to cry . I couldn't cry, the house felt so empty without her and we had to send our sick dog to the vet. Even the dog knew she was gone because he would cry and didn't move. It seem like she knew , like she wanted to go, and my dad told us the day of World Trade Center that they went to clean that she clasped twice without breathing. She was given another chance of life till God decided it was time for her. The year before I would dream about falling teeth, funeral in my dream, and her dad next to her in my dream. Every dream he would fade away as if he was telling me the day was coming to be prepare and to be near her. I couldn't sleep when she was alive during the pains and I secretly cried because I knew. 

My point is that no matter how hard,no matter what life throws at you is to always spend time with your love ones. Once they gone no Turning back and when you wish to talk to them is only through prayers or thoughts. She was only 54 years old, so young dying of pancreas cancer that travel over her body that they couldn't help her with stage 4 cancer. The city told us she got it from World Trade Center site. I wrote " my mother soul to keep" is a meaning that comes from my heart that I will keep my mom memories , cherish them, thanks God for giving me the moments to know a wonderful, strong, outgoing, happy going, loving, caring , and list goes on mother. She past away 20 days before my birthday and my advice is changes your life for the better. It hard when a parent is gone , you can't get them back and wish a lot of stuff that you can't do nothing about. My mother never got the chance to personal be with my kids but spiritual she around them. My kids won't get that chance to know her but only hear about her and see picture of her. 

  My dad lost his true love, we lost our piece of puzzle and the crazy part is that my daughter looks just likes her. When I was pregnant for my daughter I would feel something on my bed with me and touching me. My dad seen something behind me and I felt it look over my shoulder. I just felt it was my mom checking up on me and telling me it was ok. In life you just have to grief and then let it go so you can move on with your life. Appreciate life because God have no warning labels as you already know.